Ache

I have tried to write this post 2 times and have lost it and now I am just frustrated and done. I miss Angel. I want her back. I can't have her back. Tears are streaming. Im sorry if you are tired of hearing this.  That's all. 

Birthday Healing

Yesterday I held my cousin's little girl AC on her 1st birthday. It was some how therapeutic. I remember thinking I wish I had my little girl. I have two boys and Angel in heaven. But I realized until we have our own or if we never do have our own little girl here on earth, I can sure love on all the other little girls in my circle of friends and family. I can buy them cute little girl clothes, play with their hair and do little girl things. I don't have to miss out on that stuff. Thank you AC for being a part of my healing. Happy 1st birthday.

A letter to Angel

10/16/12

Dear Angel,

This is the deepest hurt I think I have ever felt. We were so excited when we found out you were coming but a few days ago I started spotting. By late night on 10/11 I knew but didn't want to believe it. Each time I flushed the toilet a piece of my heart went with you. I couldn't believe this was happening. It wasn't suppose to happen to us. I kept thinking don't freak out, its gonna be ok. This will pass like it did with the boys and come June you will have a full term baby. I don't know why this happened. Trying to figure it all out would just be too much, so we chose to trust that you were born into heaven for reasons we will come to find out later. We named you today because you deserve a name. Angel Gonzalez. August 31-October 12. ❤

I gave you a middle name. We think you were a girl but are unsure so we picked a name that would fit even if we were wrong. I hope if we are wrong you are not offended. We would have been so happy either way. Anyway, the middle name I chose was Nicole which means Victorious! I hope you like it. And if we are wrong and you are not a girl of course Nicole would be Nicolas.
 Love you bunches. Mama ❤

Introduction

 My name is Krista. Our family suffered a miscarriage on October 12,2012. Her name is Angel Nicole (Messenger of Victory). It is my hope that in sharing our story healing will come to those who read it. Please know that you are not alone. Your feelings ARE valid and it is ok to take the time you need to process through this. The child you grieve is important and worthy of honor.

The loss of a child is NEVER easy. Whether you held them in your womb for a short time, carried them full term only to have them born sleeping or to have their life was cut short for some other no good reason. To have a child go before you is heart wrenching. Yes you appreciate and love of your other family members in ways you never did before , but the truth is you want THE CHILD you LOST TOO! The child you lost was just as important and just as wanted as the family you now hold and kiss in your arms. You do your best to hold it together to love the ones you're with while mourning the precious soul that is not here. Yes that soul is in the best place, the arms of Jesus but to be honest, selfishly you want them back. Unless you have experienced it first hand you cannot imagine the ache. No sermon, no spoken word, nothing makes what happened ok. The only comfort comes in knowing  that I will see Angel again some day.But honestly some days even that is not enough. I hold on to hope as I do my best to process the loss and care for my family here and now. They do their best to comfort me not having a clue how to make Mommy feel better or why she is crying again, not knowing the words to say to take away the sting of daily reminders. Yes I am blessed with two beautiful boys and an amazing husband. I am so very thankful for that fact. In my heart of hearts I just want my baby back.
However I must press on and process this pain and allow it to do its work in me. I must allow this pain to drive me into the arms of the only one who understands my ache. I must allow Him to heal me and care for my broken heart. Because if I do not nothing good can come of this. So I lay down and open my chest, expose my heart and soul and say come Holy Spirit. Do what only you can do. Amen